I Am No Different Than You

By May of 2009, I had lost over 30 lbs and was the lowest weight I had ever been as an adult. I maintained that weight loss (within a 5 lb range) for roughly two years. The summer of 2011, I taught my first college level course while working on my doctorate. For the first time since my newly acquired healthy lifestyle, I was finding it nearly impossible to make time to workout and I was turning to food and alcohol to deal with the stress. In essence, I got a serious case of the “fuckits”. At the end of that summer I was up 10 lbs from my lowest and knew it was time to get my act together. So I did. I lost the weight the same way I had the first time and stayed within that 5 lb range. Then 2012 hit and I was working HARD to finish my degree. Once again I found myself overworked and unbalanced. My weight went back up 5 lbs give or take, and I was barely exercising at all. By the time I defended my doctorate in June of 2012, I was back down to my lowest weight ever…and I had lost 8 lbs in the 8 days preceding my defense. That week probably goes down as one of the unhealthiest of my entire journey. Yikes.

Then came the weight gain that seems to always accompany new love. By the end of summer 2012, I was up almost 15 lbs from my lowest, and it seemed like my healthy habits were nowhere in site. I barely recognized myself. My life had changed a LOT in six months, but I vowed not to lose the part of myself that had made me feel the most confident and capable. So I popped the DVDs back in and got back to it. From about September 2012-March 2014, I maintained my weight, about 5-7 lbs up from my lowest, as I was navigating an entirely new lifestyle with new challenges (working from home with three kids under the age of six and completely in love). As my 30th birthday approached in July of 2014, I decided I wanted to see if I was capable of getting back down to my lowest weight. I set a goal and busted. my. ass. By July 12th, 2014 (the day before my actual birthday), I was back down to my lowest weight since 2009. I felt accomplished and proud to have reached my goal and felt like a rockstar as I celebrated my milestone birthday.

About a month or so later…my weight was back up about 10 lbs. Between celebrations with friends, traveling and staying with family, and moving to a new house and town, I lost my balance again and was just trying to stay afloat. I wasn’t eating well (it’s hard to cook when you’ve packed-up your entire kitchen) and my only physical activity was wedding dancing and chucking junk into the dumpster. I felt like if I could just get settled, I could get a handle on everything again.

We moved at the end of August to our forever home and really started to plant our roots. I didn’t gain any weight, but I maintained my ~10 lbs up from my lowest weight (give or take) for most of the year. However, I was exercising regularly, eating well, and truly enjoying my life – my friends, my family, and my love. Until May came around. I created an accountability group to help me stay motivated and focused (and hopefully a little bit in the other direction too), and planned out my workouts and committed to a healthy summer. And completely, 100%, did not follow my plan. At all.

As July ended, I began to realize that even though I was exercising regularly (mostly) and even eating pretty well (during the week at least), I once again had a pretty severe case of the “fuckits” and couldn’t seem to care. Jokingly I had called 2015 two-thousand-FAT-teen since the new year hit, as I couldn’t get myself to find the balance. I said I was just fat and happy, and being FAPPY wasn’t so bad, especially when you knew that overall you were still pretty healthy, even if your weight wasn’t where you wanted it to be. But when I realized I was, for the first time, over 15 lbs heavier than my lowest. I not only felt like a fraud, but I was a little freaked out.

Here I was this health professional, sharing about the amazing benefits of choosing to live a healthier lifestyle (and there are just SO many benefits), and my 30+ lb weight loss was suddenly only a 15+ lb weight loss…

I decided I needed a change in mindset. Again. I had to STOP being “on” and “off” and I had to stop pushing too hard to reach goals that I could never maintain. The person I am today cannot maintain a 30+ lb weight loss and enjoy life. Yes, I can get to that weight, I did it last summer and it felt good to accomplish that goal. Now I know, once again, that I am capable.

But now I want to simply be a person who maintains a healthy lifestyle – consistent healthy habits mixed with periods of indulgence and relaxation. I know that summers are much more challenging for me than the holiday season, so I have no reason to become frustrated with my lack of effort over the last few months. What is important is that when I reach a point where I am no longer comfortable with my progress, I take action. A week ago today I reached that point, and I told myself it was time to stop the full-on indulgence, even if just for a little while, and continue on with the healthy process. A week later and I am down 5 lbs.

Here’s what I know about those 5 lbs and this past week. They may very well be the most important 5 lbs of my entire weight loss journey. In this past week, I did nothing extreme. I didn’t “buckle down” and only eat planned food, no treats, without alcohol. I didn’t plan extra workouts or turn down social engagements. I told myself last Wednesday that I wanted to see how small changes to my recent indulgent behaviors affected not only my weight, but my outlook. The results were better than I could have hoped for.

In seven days I took two 60-minute Zumba classes at my local YMCA, I danced to the new Beachbody Shaun T workout, Cize, four mornings before the work day started, I added one >30-minute Cize workout over the weekend, and had an impromptu Cize It Up family dance party after dinner last night. I had alcohol multiple times over the weekend, went out to dinner, and had my first real ice cream experience of the summer at a favorite local spot. And I ate every bite. I planned my weekday food loosely and kept awareness of my portions throughout the weekend. I did nothing drastic and I never felt deprived.

And I know that there are thousands of other people that may have eaten healthier and worked out more or harder. But I am not one of those people.

Looking back at my own weight loss journey, I see so clearly how this is a process and the only end state is happiness and acceptance. The person I am today strives for harmony over balance. Jimmy Hays Nelson has said that people always seem to be striving for balance, but that balance is a static state you achieve and then try to hold on to until you lose it again. Even when you finally achieve balance in all areas of your life, it’s only a matter of time before the wind blows and you’re thrown off-kilter again. No wonder balance seems so elusive; even the best can’t balance the world on their shoulders forever. It seems we should be striving for harmony instead, the ebb and flow of all areas working together, beautifully. It is not a trade off, it is coexistence of all elements at the same time. It is not that every aspect has equal weight at just the right moment. Harmony is reached when priorities are adjusted based on choice and necessity. That is, quite possibly, the biggest lesson I have learned throughout this process. And I no longer state the importance of a balance between all things. Instead I strive for harmony, knowing that I have all the knowledge and ability to achieve the things I want, and the power and right to choose what I want, when. 

So today I sit here writing this very open and honest post to remind myself and everyone else, that I Am No Different Than You. I face challenges, I learn, and I grow. I am not working to end up somewhere I’d rather be. I am exactly where I want to be and enjoying this place a little more every day. We are all perfectly flawed and that is what keeps it interesting. Never Stop Growing. Be the person you are, and be the best version of yourself.