FAPPY in Two-Thousand-FAT-teen

 

My life has changed a lot in the past 6+ years. If you had bumped into me prior in 2008, 30+ lbs overweight, you might not have recognized me physically. If you had met me in 2011, newly engaged to my high school sweetheart and sans kiddos, you might have thought I was an entirely different person. But meeting me now in 2015, you’re getting the most authentic version yet, fatter than in 2009 (post-health revolution) and happier than in 2012 (post-love awakening).
 
Life is always changing (and you know I always say it’s ok to change your mind), but it seems that my life has been in a constant state of transition for over a decade now.
 
After graduating high school in 2002 (first palindrome of the millennium woot woot…and yes, I know I’m a youngin’), I set out for college only to find myself transferring twice (first I changed my focus from acting to backstage work, then I changed my major from theater to psychology), until I found my true alma mater…third time’s a charm right? Well it must have been because I stayed at that university for over 9 years. Although that may sound like a pretty stable period of time, in those 9 years I switched from pursuing counseling to experimental psychology, I worked in over five research labs, had over five mentors in three different disciplines, and contemplated leaving graduate school for an entirely different career multiple times. I held out and finished my degree, but switched fields none the less.
 
And while all of that professional chaos was going on, I had a very consistent personal life. Good friends and a good boyfriend (and let’s just put the family turmoil to the side for this one). So once my career seemingly settled when I chose a path of health and wellness, I guess it was time to ruffle the feathers of my relationships. I grew and adapted with my ever-changing life, and I changed myself. Not all my relationships changed with me. Friends or boyfriend. And I decided I needed more; I needed different, I needed bigger. And I found that in the four most important people in the world; the tinies, the little, and my love.
 
But then came all the ups and downs and ins and outs of blending and splitting and joining and leaving. And hot damn it was complicated. Like really, really complicated. Identities and housing and finances and personal belongings and values and morals and bottom-line-human operating system…differences. So we battled, with ourselves and with each other, and we kept evolving.
 
And I swear, that whole cliché about ‘if the love is there you make it work’ – is the absolute, honest truth. I mean, there’s no way in hell I could have done or do any of this without that great, big, bold, crying in the rainstorm, love. I didn’t recognize myself on some days, on others I saw the person I had tried very hard to change, and still in other moments I saw the very person I was aiming to be coming to light. It was confusing for my mind, body, and spirit. But, you know as I know, it’s always worth it.
 
And even though life is always changing, this year has been different, this year has changed me. This year has been full of exhales and slow downs. As you-me-us-we came to be in our own little corner of the world, with our own identities and values and morals and joint operating systems, we settled in. And it felt good, like really good. There is more laughter, more peace, more certainty, more knowing. More understanding that truly, Together. We. Are. Better. So we embrace more joy and celebration, and more often than we should.
 
When I look back at this year, just a little over halfway through now, it might look like my plate is a little fuller, my glass a little higher, my clothes a little tighter, and my face a little rounder. But what I see is that my table is a little louder, my home a little warmer, my head a little lighter, and my heart a whole lot stronger. We’ll see how the rest of the year unfolds – fatter, happier, who knows – but for now I am accepting all that comes with this current state of grace.
 
In the meantime, just call me FAPPY in Two-Thousand-FAT-Teen.