It’s A Choice, Not A Given

 
When I was younger, I had a lot of anxieties. Like a lot. I was a pretty big rule follower, but mostly because I just had a lot of fear around what would happen if I were to stray off course. I saw what it did to other people, and I didn’t like it. I was also 10 years old when I made this assessment, but the decision to stay on the straight-and-narrow was one that impacted me for a long time.

I didn’t take risks. I judged those who did. I needed everything to be just so. And if it wasn’t, I freaked out. Like complete meltdown, internalization of stress that manifested physically (in really unfortunate bathroom-related ways…). Until my mid-twenties, I was, hands-down, a Nervous Nellie.

My older sister has always been the complete opposite of me in this respect (and in most, really). She was big, bold, and beautiful (and maybe even a little bit bad at times), from the second she came out of the womb. And growing up, I was totally jealous. I couldn’t shake my fears and worries and she was just out there being unapologetically her. We accepted and somewhat embraced our opposing roles in life. So much so, that when my mother gave me a bracelet for Christmas one year that said “fearless” my sister and I both burst out laughing as soon as I opened the box. I looked at my sister, quoted Dirty Dancing, and put that bracelet right back in the box, where it stayed forever. Over time, my role only became enhanced.

I was, for all intents and purposes, the goodie-two-shoes with all the “right” friends, getting good grades, and ultimately following all the rules. I was…boring.

But instead of actually being boring, I decided to find ways to make my predisposition appreciated, rather than hated. I was a good student, but more importantly, I liked doing school. I liked the routine and consistency and getting that nice pat-on-the-back when you did it right.

Got to class on time. Check!

Handed in my assignment on time. Check!

Studied for my test. Check!

The formula was easy enough to follow that even though I wasn’t the smartest, I could be one of the best. And that was a good feeling. It was a good feeling I rode for a really long time – like 20 years of school long time. And I’m sure I’ve got some actual intelligence going on too, but it was always more about the discipline than the baseline knowledge.

It was graduate school that really threw me off my seemingly solid foundation of fortitude. I didn’t even plan on going to graduate school. I was just doing school so much and so well, that I kept doing it (thanks to a suggestion from my advisor). But that’s where things took a rather unexpected turn for me. You don’t accidentally do graduate school, or what I mean is – you shouldn’t.

The 5 years I “did” school to receive my doctorate, were more formative than any other 5 years of my life. And not because of my studies. I realized that just doing school, wasn’t enough anymore. I was overwhelmed for the first time in my life. Things were not just so. And I couldn’t get a handle on the constant feeling of not being good enough. There were just so many other kick-ass graduate students that were doing it better than me. Usually that would motivate me to want to be just like them, but it didn’t – I didn’t want to sell my soul to science and I didn’t want to lose the work-life balance I had come to need so much. But for that first year of school, I really hated that I wasn’t one of the best. It was a blow to my academic ego, and I knew that in order to survive, I had to go about it another way.

This is where I made a choice to do it differently. After nearly deciding to leave my graduate program in that first year, I knew that leaving because it was hard and different wasn’t going to help be me successful. So I decided to tackle life in an entirely different way. Maybe I wasn’t good at being a high intellect in a fancy graduate department, but you know what? I was really, really good at working with people, being consistent, planning ahead, and getting. shit. done. So I networked my ass off and put my best foot forward, and got my shit done…and then got the hell out.

People often tell me that they see me as this incredibly organized and efficient person. I smile at that because I actually do pride myself on those exact skills. But they were a choice. Those were skills I honed for years with deliberate effort, they were not part of my born character. I became a researcher and a problem solver, not a sit-back-in-the-corner scaredy-pants. I realized all I want is to help people, and if there is a problem – as small as an error message on your phone or as large as an impending divorce – I want to figure it out and make it better. Period.

I love solutions, love them! So if there is something I’m not doing well right now, and I want to do it well, you better believe I’m going to start, step-by-step, improving my skill-set in that exact area. I’m going to schedule myself to listen to podcasts, read blogs, books, join communities, and talk about – whatever it is. Because that is how you get better, and that is how you do better. It’s not an accident. It’s not just who you are. It’s a choice.

I survived grad school and walked out with my degree, head held incredibly high. And not because I was the best at it. Because I made the choice to make myself better in the ways that I knew I wanted to be better. I learned so much about myself in those 5 years. But most importantly, I unwound. I let go of the idea that everything had to be just so. I learned that even when it’s not, it’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. That in those moments where it’s scary and terrifying, we grow more than ever. And that person I was before 25, isn’t around anymore. The unknown doesn’t scare me, I am hungry and eager to taste it and see what it can do for me. How it can help me make my next bold move. And it’s the reason why I don’t have to fear that I will walk out of this room and never feel the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.