I always knew that I wanted to lead a life based on love. That for me, love really did win over all, and it was the most important thing to live for. Feeling connected and understood has always mattered more to me than being the best at anything or finding any kind of professional success.
Because we have no idea what real love looks like when we start out, we often make mistakes and think we’ve found it when we find any love. Especially when we are fortunate to find a love at a young age. When I was only 17 I found myself in a love much bigger than anything I had yet to experience…because I was 17. It made me feel special and comforted. I thought, this must be what IT is. This is what we do it for. So I hung on to it for so long, thinking that I had made the choice – I was leading my life based on love.
Love has many different forms and it stretches and contracts over time and space much like anything else. When a love comes along that is so much bigger than what is right in front of you, it’s really hard to believe, but equally hard to turn away. For 10 years I sat comfortably in my first love, content and pleased that I was one of the lucky ones to find something good and stable that I could wrap my arms around and count on at the end of every day. I didn’t fear losing it, I didn’t fear it walking out, I didn’t fear it finding someone better. It was old reliable, so much so that I probably even learned to take advantage of it from time to time. I went my way, spread my wings and soared high; knowing that if I fell, or if I needed a parachute, my stable love would be there waiting…as it always was…always.
But sometimes, stability can turn into complacency and boredom, and it can lead to under appreciating the love you were once so happy to have found. If this happens, I have learned, it wasn’t the kind of love you thought you had always wanted. It is love, yes, but it is not the all-encompassing, life-altering kind. It is not the kind that leaves you in disbelief and awe. It is, in most cases, just a trial love for the real thing that is much, much bigger.
I must admit that now, being on the other side, living my life full of a great big love, I am more judgmental of others’ love. And I say this in the most compassionate and concerned way. I want everyone to have a great big love, I want everyone to feel as good as I do because I have found this kind of love, chosen it, nurtured it, and kept it close. And I want everyone to know what I know, that this kind of big, bold, beautiful love really does exist.
Over time I have learned that truly, not everyone wants this kind of love. Not everyone had the same dreams of love that I did as a child. When I accept that truth from someone, I do not judge them. I realize we are all different and it’s probably some kind of evolutionary necessity that we do not all walk around searching for love and only love. I get it, and I can accept that.
What is harder for me is when I feel that I have met someone who I really believe wants a great big love, and they just aren’t in it. I am disappointed for them and even saddened. Sometimes I want to shake them and say THIS isn’t IT. Yes, it’s good, it’s fine, it might even have moments of greatness, but it’s not IT. You can have more. Did you know there is more? Believe me when I tell you, there is more. I know these people can’t believe me because it’s a blind hope until you literally trip right over it, but it’s a hope I wish no one would lose. I just cannot explain how incredibly good it feels to open yourself up to the possibility and how completely whole you feel when you do fall face-first right into it. It’s worth the vulnerability in every way.
One of my favorite experiences in this world is connecting with others who have chosen to live for love. Who have learned that there IS a great big love out there worth risking it all for, taking a jump, and living out loud. And that even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else and if no one else understands it, it’s exactly right. It’s the most invigorating feeling to talk to someone who has just made their choice. You will hear it in their voice, they have never sounded so alive. They are still walking around shaking their head in disbelief, wondering – could this really be true?
But don’t be confused; it’s not young love, puppy love, or the honeymoon phase. How can you tell? Because as amazing as it is, it’s hard and messy and completely complicated. And it’s still right. When you’re 17 you don’t choose hard and messy; you choose fun and light and easy. When you choose, as an adult, to dive into the most complex relationship of your life because you know that you cannot even for one minute imagine not having this person in your life, you are living for love.
Not every moment in grandiose. Not every day is out of a movie. There are spills and slips and mistakes that carry that weight of the world at times. But I can promise you, the grand moments are incredibly grand and the days that seem picture perfect are actually just that. And even in the midst of confusion, you are so confident that you are better now than ever before. Because finally, the love you’ve always wanted to live for has a face and a name and is the absolute most beautiful puzzle you’ve ever been a part of.
And in the end the choice is not always yours, sometimes it’s bigger, sometimes it chooses you. And whether you make the choice or you are chosen – be thankful, be just so damn thankful.
[originally published September 1st, 2015]
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Thank you for sharing. I have my love. I chose the path nobody thought was right, but I knew was perfect for me. Today I feel so fortunate to have grown 20 years with this man. We are both very different than we were back then, but more in love. He spoke no English, had no job and no money when I met him. But we both saw potential in each other. He pushes me to always be and do better. And I am and I do. Not because he’s there to catch me if I fall, but he has taught me that I can catch myself. And there is no doubt that I cannot live without him and that I would fight for him and for us until I had no fight left.
I am so happy to hear this Johnna! Such a beautiful story and just the perfect kind of partnership. Our most significant others should always help us to be better, above all. Because we are no good for anyone else until we are the best version of ourselves 🙂 And I have no doubt that Together You Are Better. Congratulations on making your choice so many years ago and living a wonderfully full life as a result!