*maybe we’re all just good people who’ve done some bad things*

Life is brutiful. It’s beautiful and brutal and everything in between. I show up in this world as a whole person, but sometimes fractured in my roles – professional (Dr. Jennelle), personal (Jennelle), parental (Nelle). I’ve learned to face, accept, and embrace many of the shame gremlins I meet in my professional and personal spaces – I’m comfortably uncomfortably dancing outside the lines of  “I’m not good enough” and “who do I think I am?” in both of those arenas. But parenting? Parenting plays an entirely different shame tape…

“You woke up one day in love with a women raising three young children with her husband. You didn’t prioritize the kids’ best interest. You destroyed a family. And then you had the audacity to call yourself a parent, a mother even. These aren’t your kids. They have a mother and a father. You might have taken on a care-taking role, but that doesn’t make you a mother. You haven’t earned that title. Step-parent, ok, you can have that one. Just remember that being a step-parent means you need to be one-step removed from everything. Don’t be too present, invested too fully, or love them too much. That’s not your role, remember – one-step removed. And really, you’re needed even less than most step-mothers. They have a step-mom in their house with their dad, and their mom in the house with you – why do you even need to be here? What’s your purpose to this family? Right, you’re expendable, so better be a few more steps removed, for everybody’s sake. Don’t discipline, praise, teach, or support. There are enough parents in the mix to take care of that. And you need to stop being so known – parents, teachers, coaches, mentors – they don’t need to know you. You aren’t their real parent. There’s no reason for you to be known. You’re not bringing anything to the table that can’t be brought by someone else here, your input isn’t necessary, valuable, or even wanted. In fact, most of what you contribute is actually making things worse. You make their life harder just by being a part of it. You don’t want that for them, right? Sure, you can love them, but do it from afar. Quietly. So no one can hear you and see you. So you don’t influence them or anyone else. So if/when you’re gone, no one is affected. Because remember, these aren’t your kids. And if you really loved them, you never would have let this situation happen. And at the very least, you would have left a long time ago, at the first sign of any hard. Don’t try to fool yourself, you’re not fooling anybody. You aren’t a good parent, hell – you’re not even a parent at all.”

Here’s the thing about my parenting shame tape – I’m not ashamed of it. It’s the conversation my gremlins are having with me every day. And I fight, every day, to press the stop button. But some days, it plays on. Other days, it seems to getlouder. And on a few precious days, that tape seems to get lost. And I know I’m not the only one who bought this album. Not by a long shot. And I know that the only way I can stop this track from playing on repeat, is to name my shame. These are the gremlins that take me down most days, and I know the only way I’ll ever find reprieve from them, is to get them out of me – to show them the light. And if I’m playing this tape and *not* turning the music up, so that you can say “hey, that’s my song, too”, then I’m also part of the reason for your shame tape. Because every parent, step-parent, mother, and step-mother is part of my tape. Especially those closest to me. And keeping these gremlins close hasn’t made them go away, so maybe sharing them will. If I can release them outside my mind, maybe they’ll stop wreaking so much havoc inside my heart.

I became Nelle 6 1/2 years ago – unexpectedly, unassuming, unaware. I didn’t go looking for this life, these kids, this experience. But I’ve been living it fully since the day it showed up, and I can promise you – I’m doing the best I can. I’m not doing it all right and certainly not doing it all well, but I am trying my best – every damn day. There’s no rule book on parenting. Or step-parenting. Or same-sex step-parenting. But there is research, support, and people showing up and living their truth every day. So I keep showing up too, living my truth, and looking to those doing the same. I keep asking for help, I keep learning more, I keep doing the very best I can. And somehow, someway, I know that’s enough. I know that being Nelle is truly a gift, and never a curse – even in my hardest moments. I know that following this nontraditional path has left me wide open for criticism and ridicule, but I also know enough to only listen to those face-down in the arena with me. And while I may be filled with so much doubt, so often – when I look into their eyes, the ones who know me only as their Nelle – I take my lead from the Indigo Girls and pray *if we ever leave a legacy, it’s that we loved each other well*