This Scapegoat Is Escaping

I am strong-willed. Even when I was afraid of everything, I had strong values and beliefs that couldn’t be pushed around. I was raised to have an informed opinion of my own. I was taught to speak my mind when I felt something or someone was wrong. I have never been a yes-man. It’s that kind of blind following without questioning that has led to the biggest injustices of our time (the holocaust, apartheid, segregation, etc., etc…).

So I choose to surround myself with other strong willed individuals. People who think for themselves and make their own educated decisions. People whose point-of-view cannot be bought or coerced. People who call you out on your shit when they don’t agree, are offended, or hurt. People who know that the people who love you most don’t love you because you agree with them. They love you because you challenge them. People who are just as nontraditionally narcissistic as I am.

But there’s a lot of people we don’t choose. People that surround us because they brought us into this world. People that surround us because of who we eventually choose. And it’s these people that often help us define who we are and how we want to live our lives. But they are also the people that can cause the most damage.

It’s no surprise that growing up in a family that put a lot of value on being strong-willed resulted in a very…verbal…family dynamic.  The tongue is often more dangerous than the gun. And when I finally realized I did have a choice about who I surrounded myself with and what was best for me… I didn’t choose the ones that I once had no choice about. It was hurtful and painful all the way around. But sometimes, for self-preservation, distance is the absolute most necessary thing.

As I continued to figure out what I needed for myself to feel good and calm and sane – I was able to open some doors I had previously shut. Slowly, so as not to be surprised by any lingering ghosts, but I kept opening doors just the same. And there were ghosts hiding, there were skeletons in closets, and there was still a lot of fear. So I set boundaries, made rules, and never wavered on taking care of myself first (because you know, as I know, you’re no good for anyone else until you are the best version of yourself). And even though many of our past wounds have healed, there are still some, for some of us, that have not repaired quite yet. And even with the healing, we all have scars, and some deeper than others. Some that, despite continued knocking, keep certain doors locked. But I hadn’t slammed any doors shut in long, long time…

I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I’d like to believe that I always have, but that might not be completely true. I have learned that maybe, for some, I have to be the example of nontraditional narcissism. That for some, being ignorant, uneducated, and prejudiced isn’t completely on them. I used to have zero tolerance, but now I realize that what you don’t know isn’t always your fault…and maybe it is mine for not taking the time to teach you. I’ve gotten much better at opening those doors wide and letting in the ones who are willing to learn that you and me and us and them are all just we. 

But when I open those doors only to have them slammed in my face, I try my absolute hardest to believe that they will once again be opened.

I fear that, just recently, I’ve shut a door and locked it tight – and I don’t know how to open it again. And maybe I am purposely losing the key.

I didn’t choose them and they didn’t choose me, but we were brought together because of my big, bold, beautiful love. And I was never what they wanted, I was never who they hoped for. This loud, opinionated, smart-ass was probably the farthest thing from what they expected. But they missed how fiercely I love, how strongly I protect, how deeply I feel. And I missed that they never wanted to open their door, that perhaps it was just the wind that blew it open…

When I shared my coming out story, I said my heart ached for those who had suffered even the slightest as a result of who they love or may love one day –  as I was not hurt, persecuted, ashamed, scared, or hidden as I realized who I was. And I never expected that years later, as an adult woman, a co-parent of three, and truly the best version of myself to date – I’d find that hurt. And the thing about what you don’t expect is that it always hurts the most.

This is not just my pain, so I share it carefully. We’re not all open books. But I share because today, I’m not in a state of self-preservation. There’s more than just me. So much more. And that’s probably why the ache is so much stronger this time. I can take care of myself. I know who I am and what matters to me and I will live my life by my priorities. But those priorities are so much bigger than me. And the reason I opened and closed and reopened this exact door over and over again for the last three years is because of we. What we wanted, what we hoped for, what we truly believed could be. And I know our lives aren’t over, but maybe one of our dreams is.

We have worked so hard to get to our State of Grace. For a moment I thought that maybe it was an illusion or that we’d lost it just as quickly as we had found it. But then I realized that we are still in a state of grace. We have learned so much in the last year, I can hardly recognize who we were before. And we love fiercely, we strongly protect, we deeply feel. And we are still here. Together. Unbroken.

And even if they can’t see it, even if they don’t want to see it, even if they will never see it…it’s still there. The listening, the learning, the love. It’s always there and it will always be there. And love is not an open door, you can’t just come and go as you please. Love opens doors but strength and knowing can close those doors just the same. And we do have a choice, we all have a choice, even about the ones we didn’t choose. And most choices aren’t forever, but choosing yourself and your we first and foremost should be. And one person is never responsible for all the bad and all the wrong. And I know myself well enough to trust that I am part of the good and the right and I will stand up for what and who I believe in for every moment of my life. So you cannot pin the tail on this donkey; this scapegoat is escaping. We’ll be in our brick house of fortitude braving the elements – cool, calm, and collected.