jLog – Page 3 – Dr. Jennelle

Why You Shouldn’t Want Your Distance

Pssst – This piece has been published on Digital Romance, Inc.!

Check it out here!

During an argument or disagreement, most of us tend to put space between ourselves and our partner. We turn our backs, walk away, leave the room, even sometimes leave the house. We all do it. But here’s why we shouldn’t.

Physical touch is incredibly important and special in any romantic relationship. The kind of touch we share with a partner is unique to that relationship, nothing else is like it and nothing else compares. There are only a few parts of our romantic relationships that are unlike any other relationship with another person, and touch is one of them – and possibly the most important. Touch provides comfort and security, the feeling that “what we have together is different than anything else we have apart.” That’s why it’s critical to maintain the unique status of touch in a romantic relationship.

But during an argument, it can be incredibly difficult to remember that.

So we retreat and distance ourselves when things start to get uncomfortable, and especially when things start to get heated.

But OH how the slightest physical touch can diffuse a situation.

Consider sitting face to face with your partner having a conversation, your faces merely a few inches apart. How often do things get heated in these moments? How often do you find yourself misunderstood when the conversation starts out with your physical bodies incredibly close? I can say pretty confidently that the answer is rarely. Arguments rarely erupt when you’re starting from a physically close state.

Why? Because being physically close reminds you of the fact that you have a special bond with your partner, that you feel safe with them (why else would you be so physically close?), and that even when you don’t agree, you are reminded that your partner always has your best interests at heart – you can physically feel that in the closeness of their body. So when you start from a place of closeness, you are less likely to feel alone, alienated, and misunderstood.

Sometimes, even once we understand the importance of being physically near our partners, we forget to follow through. We bring up a difficult topic from across the room – call it fear or an unconscious defensive mechanism – whatever it is, it happens. And we find ourselves frustrated and separated and feeling like our partner is the enemy, rather than our greatest supporter. What then?

Stop. Breathe. Be quiet for a few moments. And move in close.

Yes, I said drop your walls, and move in close.

I don’t care which of you does it first, but you HAVE TO start practicing this. It’s not easy, it’s uncomfortable, and you’ll want to resist (especially if it’s your partner moving in close). But do it anyway. Get up and sit next to each other again. Let your bodies touch. Be close, just be close. Remind yourselves that you ARE each other’s biggest ally, and that you are on the same team, always.

And yes, sometimes, when we forget to stay close, we talk about emotionally charged issues from a distance, and find ourselves overheated and in need of a “cool down”. Ok, but don’t let that period linger. Even when it feels awkward, ask if you can be close. Ask if you can come sit down next to your partner again. Ask if you can hug your partner.

Physical touch is incredibly personal, so we should always ask permission, especially in moments of disconnect. Because without permission the good physical touch we value in our relationships can turn bad very quickly. So don’t sit separately in silence. Stop. Breathe. Be quiet for a few moments. And ask to move in close.

This concept might sound foreign to you. It was to me for a long time. I resisted it and have even yelled “don’t touch me” in the middle of my partner trying to move in close. I don’t always practice this well, but I am continually practicing none the less. And I urge you to do the same. It won’t feel normal, it won’t feel comfortable, and it won’t feel rational at first. But if you can let your guard down and let yourself be healed by the unique touch of your partner’s body, you will immediately understand why this is a touch tool I highly encourage for every couple I encounter.

Be vulnerable – emotionally and physically – and you will be amazed at how connected you will feel to your partner, even in the most difficult moments. ❤︎

Choosing You, Always

You,

I have had the majority of this blog written for a while now, but I wanted to wait until today to publish it. Why? Because today is your birthday. It’s not a milestone, nothing monumental, no big celebrations planned. But it’s one of my favorite days of the year, every year. And this year, this is my gift to you.

I have been told for most of my life that I have a way with words, and I hear it from you often. And as much as I write and express myself, somehow I never feel like I’m doing a very good job of telling you just how much you and your love mean to me.

You are my muse.

In no uncertain terms, I know this to be true more than most things I have claimed to know in my life. Since the day you came into my life, I have felt alive. And when we became Us, I was reborn. I have never been more sure that this is the me that I was always meant to be. That loving you is my purpose. That being able to love you with everything I have, is all that I have ever wanted.

For the past year I have written about how all I wanted in my life since childhood was a big, bold, beautiful love – the kind from a movie scene. And how, the thing about that kind of love, is that you never expect it, plan on it, or have any idea what it will look like when you get it. And I still find myself in disbelief so much of the time. Not because there actually have been crying in the street during a rainstorm moments (barefoot) and too many slammed doors and sleepless nights; just like the movies. And not because there have been countless conversations past 5am that ignite my passions and skin-to-skin moments that stir my soul; just like the movies.

But because we are learning and growing, together. You & Me. Way past the last movie scene.

I’ve never really seen that happen, truly. I’ve believed in it, I’ve studied it, I’ve known that it’s what people want. But I’ve never truly seen it in real life. I’ve seen people that don’t make sense and stay together. I’ve seen people who should try harder but walk away. And I’ve seen just about everything in between.

But with you, I truly, honestly, have no doubt in my mind that we are unbreakable. It’s that “happily ever after” part that we rarely witness, but now we are living it.

We are ever-evolving, always. We aren’t the same as we were when we first started (thank god!), and I have no doubt we’ll look entirely different in a little over a year from now when we can finally call each other “wife”.

And in some moments, it’s all been very clear to me, to us, and to anyone else looking in. But it’s the moments that aren’t so clear that bring me to life. The moments where it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, and barely make sense to Us. It’s those moments of confusion when I am also full of gratitude for this love that we have.

Yup, I said that’s when I feel the most grateful.

Because I don’t want easy and calm, boring and complacent…and I know you don’t either. And when we’re right smack in the middle of our next hard, we’ll both be able to look at each other and know that no matter what, we’re doing this whole life thing together. And that we are, without a doubt, both better people for every single moment we have shared together. Each and every one.

You truly are my puzzle piece. I am complete when I am with you. Jagged edges, maybe. But with you, I fit. And every piece we lay with every moment of Us continues to create the most beautiful picture.

To me, you are love. And I never want to know a life devoid of love, or absent of you.

I’ve wanted to keep you every day since we met, and I think I might just get to.

When I say “I love you” every day for the rest of our lives, know and trust that I mean it with everything that I am.

Thank you for filling my life and overflowing my heart. You are my Light.

Happy Birthday
XOXO
Me

What I Am Is What I Am…

I’m not aware of too many things

I know what I know if you know what I mean

Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box

Religion is the smile on a dog

I’m not aware of too many things

I know what I know if you know what I mean

Choke me in the shallow water

Before I get too deep

What I am is what I am

Are you what you are – or what?

After reading an article in the Huffington Post outlining the benefits of seeing either a therapist or life coach and the differences (and similarities) between the two, I realized that much like my personal life, my professional role is rather NonTraditional as well.

I have been involved with theater my entire life. I was born and raised in it and I fell madly in love with it at the ripe age of 11. So much so that I chose to go to college as a theater major. So right there, you can understand that my empathic tendencies run pretty deep…

Much like everything that has ended up having the biggest impact on my life, psychology totally blindsided me and flipped my world on it’s head. My senior year in high school I took a half-semester psychology class (which was all my high school offered at the time), and after just the first class, I was hooked. I bordered on that really obnoxious and really energizing student that teachers both loved and hated – I couldn’t stop talking about how each newly learned principle kept showing up in my actual life, and I also couldn’t stop talking in class period (a problem I often have when I am super passionate about a topic). And after two college transfers and three majors, I settled on a psychology degree from Northeastern University.

I spent three-and-a-half years at Northeastern University as an undergraduate psychology major. I was involved in “psych club” and I was even a peer advisor, helping students figure out how to complete their psychology major requirements to go after the career of their dreams. I wanted to be a counselor, I wanted to help people with problems in living, I wanted to help my peers. And because I am a problem solver by nature, I also really enjoyed studying and researching a problem, especially a psychological one. And even though at one point I was so clear on becoming a clinician, I accepted that it’s ok to change your mind, and I chose to stay at Northeastern and earn my doctorate in psychology.

Now here’s where things get a little nontraditional and where I always feel a strong need to explain myself. I am a PhD Psychologist. It says so right on my degree; I have the dissertation and graduate-student-trauma to prove it. I studied psychology for over 9 years, both as an undergraduate and graduate student. I also taught psychology courses at the college level at Northeastern University as both a teacher’s assistant and as an adjunct professor to the university, namely abnormal psychology.

But I am not a clinical psychologist.

Why?

Because for the five years of my graduate education I focused on researching the problems in living, rather than researching the individuals that had these problems. Plain and simple, I was a mind-scientist. I studied how our thinking can often be biased, how the diagnostic system for mental disorders is flawed, and how parents and adults understand children’s problematic behaviors. In essence, I studied how you and I think about and understand mental health. I was an experimental psychologist studying cognitive psychology with a focus on mental health (which was super awesome to spit out at every. single. conference).

And then, I changed my mind again.

As I neared the end of my doctoral research, I was continually plagued by the notion that my work wasn’t helping enough people (something most research psychologists struggle with, from what I have seen and heard). Our work is important, it’s about how we think, feel, act…but most of the time it’s hidden in some scientific journal the general public never sees. I wasn’t ok with that. I needed a more direct line of help. I wanted to reach people with more immediacy.

And the thing I loved from the very start about psychology involves one of the very basic principles of the human condition – as people, we want to be known and understood. I am a creature of connection. If I have been through something, I want to know others who have too. If I see you struggling with something I know anything about, I want to walk you through some useful steps. Whether talking to you about Pavlov’s dogs, what credits you need to graduate, or what it was like growing up in a divorced & blended family…if I know something about it, my knowledge is only useful to the degree that it can help someone else work through the same or similar circumstances.

So in 2009 when I learned the exact steps it took for me to lose 30 lbs in less than 6 months (something that so many, including myself, struggle with for so long)… I started sharing my experience. And I should add that this was not unsolicited advice. I was approached over and over again about “how I was doing it”, because the changes were…obvious. And because I am a creature of connection, I just started talking. And before I knew it, I had found a way to reach people…I had found my direct line of help.

Wellness was my self-improvement avenue and I knew that it could also be that way for so many others. So I started teaching and preaching whatever I knew, and I started learning whatever I didn’t. Eventually, I was offered a full-time position at a small start-up company focused on research-based nutritional weight-loss. The program focused on both the psychological and behavioral changes that accompany the direct nutritional changes necessary to lose weight. It was like the perfect post-graduate position. I could use my psychology education and expertise to directly help others improve their wellbeing and share my personal experiences along the way. And so I became a wellness educator and a health coach with a strong basis in psychology.

The thing about holding a solution-focused psychological philosophy, is that you rarely interact with only one aspect of a person when working with them. So even over the 3+ years I was a health coach, my strongest connections with clients ran much deeper than weight loss, fitness, and nutrition. We talked about family, friendships, romance. We dealt with stereotypes, self-esteem, and body image. We addressed fear, defeat, and failure. We channeled strength, determination, and success. And together we felt known and understood, because we all had these universal experiences, and we were sharing them together.

And realizing this very nature of the human condition, I acknowledged that wellness is only one component of our connection and that there’s so many more direct lines of help available.

This is the exact reason why I expanded my focus beyond wellness. Yes, sure, I can still help people reach their wellness goals because I know something about it and have gone through those challenges myself (and am a forever student here). But I also specialize in same-sex relationships, children of divorced/blended families, non-biological parenting, adversity as a result of sexual-orienation, familial estrangement/alienation, and living an authentic life…because I have both knowledge and experience in all of these areas as well.

So today I am a hybrid. I am not a licensed psychotherapist or clinician, but I have a strong education and background in psychological theory and practice (they don’t call me a doctor for nothing!). I am not a certified life coach, but I do focus primarily on finding solutions to your problems in the here and now.

And I call myself a relationship advisor. I am not a counselor or a coach. I do not diagnose, treat, train, or teach. Consider a financial advisor – educated and experienced, sharing personal choices as a way to support you and offer their expertise as a way to guide you to improve your financial situation. I do the same…but for your relationship.

I am real and real is rare, but I strive to be authentic in everything I do. I want that for you too. I want you to be unapologetically you, as I am me. And if you think that my authenticity is a light leading you to my direct line of help for your personal challenges, it is. So call me whatever you what, but what I am is what I am, are you what you are…or what?

Dr. Jennelle, PhD Psychologist
Relationship Advisor

Schedule your FREE Relationship Consultation Today!

Choosing To Live For Love

I always knew that I wanted to lead a life based on love. That for me, love really did win over all, and it was the most important thing to live for. Feeling connected and understood has always mattered more to me than being the best at anything or finding any kind of professional success.

Because we have no idea what real love looks like when we start out, we often make mistakes and think we’ve found it when we find any love. Especially when we are fortunate to find a love at a young age. When I was only 17 I found myself in a love much bigger than anything I had yet to experience…because I was 17. It made me feel special and comforted. I thought, this must be what IT is. This is what we do it for. So I hung on to it for so long, thinking that I had made the choice – I was leading my life based on love.

Love has many different forms and it stretches and contracts over time and space much like anything else. When a love comes along that is so much bigger than what is right in front of you, it’s really hard to believe, but equally hard to turn away. For 10 years I sat comfortably in my first love, content and pleased that I was one of the lucky ones to find something good and stable that I could wrap my arms around and count on at the end of every day. I didn’t fear losing it, I didn’t fear it walking out, I didn’t fear it finding someone better. It was old reliable, so much so that I probably even learned to take advantage of it from time to time. I went my way, spread my wings and soared high; knowing that if I fell, or if I needed a parachute, my stable love would be there waiting…as it always was…always.

But sometimes, stability can turn into complacency and boredom, and it can lead to under appreciating the love you were once so happy to have found. If this happens, I have learned, it wasn’t the kind of love you thought you had always wanted. It is love, yes, but it is not the all-encompassing, life-altering kind. It is not the kind that leaves you in disbelief and awe. It is, in most cases, just a trial love for the real thing that is much, much bigger.

I must admit that now, being on the other side, living my life full of a great big love, I am more judgmental of others’ love. And I say this in the most compassionate and concerned way. I want everyone to have a great big love, I want everyone to feel as good as I do because I have found this kind of love, chosen it, nurtured it, and kept it close. And I want everyone to know what I know, that this kind of big, bold, beautiful love really does exist.

Over time I have learned that truly, not everyone wants this kind of love. Not everyone had the same dreams of love that I did as a child. When I accept that truth from someone, I do not judge them. I realize we are all different and it’s probably some kind of evolutionary necessity that we do not all walk around searching for love and only love. I get it, and I can accept that.

What is harder for me is when I feel that I have met someone who I really believe wants a great big love, and they just aren’t in it. I am disappointed for them and even saddened. Sometimes I want to shake them and say THIS isn’t IT. Yes, it’s good, it’s fine, it might even have moments of greatness, but it’s not IT. You can have more. Did you know there is more? Believe me when I tell you, there is more. I know these people can’t believe me because it’s a blind hope until you literally trip right over it, but it’s a hope I wish no one would lose. I just cannot explain how incredibly good it feels to open yourself up to the possibility and how completely whole you feel when you do fall face-first right into it. It’s worth the vulnerability in every way.

One of my favorite experiences in this world is connecting with others who have chosen to live for love. Who have learned that there IS a great big love out there worth risking it all for, taking a jump, and living out loud. And that even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else and if no one else understands it, it’s exactly right. It’s the most invigorating feeling to talk to someone who has just made their choice. You will hear it in their voice, they have never sounded so alive. They are still walking around shaking their head in disbelief, wondering – could this really be true?

But don’t be confused; it’s not young love, puppy love, or the honeymoon phase. How can you tell? Because as amazing as it is, it’s hard and messy and completely complicated. And it’s still right. When you’re 17 you don’t choose hard and messy; you choose fun and light and easy. When you choose, as an adult, to dive into the most complex relationship of your life because you know that you cannot even for one minute imagine not having this person in your life, you are living for love.

Not every moment in grandiose. Not every day is out of a movie. There are spills and slips and mistakes that carry that weight of the world at times. But I can promise you, the grand moments are incredibly grand and the days that seem picture perfect are actually just that. And even in the midst of confusion, you are so confident that you are better now than ever before. Because finally, the love you’ve always wanted to live for has a face and a name and is the absolute most beautiful puzzle you’ve ever been a part of.

And in the end the choice is not always yours, sometimes it’s bigger, sometimes it chooses you. And whether you make the choice or you are chosen – be thankful, be just so damn thankful.

[originally published September 1st, 2015]

If you have chosen to make love a priority in your life, come join a community of nontraditionals who are focused on the matters of the heart that matter most. Learn more today by clicking here ❤︎

This Scapegoat Is Escaping

*Forgive- sounds good, forget – I’m not sure I could, they say “time heals everything,” but I’m still waiting…*

I share myself with you regularly and it wouldn’t be fair if I talk about how we all have hard, but never share mine with you. So this post is going to be real, and raw, and rough.

I am strong-willed. Even when I was afraid of everything, I had strong values and beliefs that couldn’t be pushed around. I was raised to have an informed opinion of my own. I was taught to speak my mind when I felt something or someone was wrong. I have never been a yes-man. It’s that kind of blind following without questioning that has led to the biggest injustices of our time (the holocaust, apartheid, segregation, etc., etc…).

So I choose to surround myself with other strong willed individuals. People who think for themselves and make their own educated decisions. People whose point-of-view cannot be bought or coerced. People who call you out on your shit when they don’t agree, are offended, or hurt. People who know that the people who love you most don’t love you because you agree with them. They love you because you challenge them. People who are just as nontraditionally narcissistic as I am.

But there’s a lot of people we don’t choose. People that surround us because they brought us into this world. People that surround us because of who we eventually choose. And it’s these people that often help us define who we are and how we want to live our lives. But they are also the people that can cause the most damage.

It’s no surprise that growing up in a family that put a lot of value on being strong-willed resulted in a very…verbal…family dynamic. The tongue is often more dangerous than the gun. And when I finally realized I did have a choice about who I surrounded myself with and what was best for me… I didn’t choose the ones that I once had no choice about. It was hurtful and painful all the way around. But sometimes, for self-preservation, distance is the absolute most necessary thing.

As I continued to figure out what I needed for myself to feel good and calm and sane – I was able to open some doors I had previously shut. Slowly, so as not to be surprised by any lingering ghosts, but I kept opening doors just the same. And there were ghosts hiding, there were skeletons in closets, and there was still a lot of fear. So I set boundaries, made rules, and never wavered on taking care of myself first (because you know, as I know, you’re no good for anyone else until you are the best version of yourself). And even though many of our past wounds have healed, there are still some, for some of us, that have not repaired quite yet. And even with the healing, we all have scars, and some deeper than others. Some that, despite continued knocking, keep certain doors locked. But I hadn’t slammed any doors shut in long, long time…

I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I’d like to believe that I always have, but that might not be completely true. I have learned that maybe, for some, I have to be the example of nontraditional narcissism. That for some, being ignorant, uneducated, and prejudiced isn’t completely on them. I used to have zero tolerance, but now I realize that what you don’t know isn’t always your fault…and maybe it is mine for not taking the time to teach you. I’ve gotten much better at opening those doors wide and letting in the ones who are willing to learn that you and me and us and them are all just we.

But when I open those doors only to have them slammed in my face, I try my absolute hardest to believe that they will once again be opened.

I fear that, just recently, I’ve shut a door and locked it tight – and I don’t know how to open it again. And maybe I am purposely losing the key.

I didn’t choose them and they didn’t choose me, but we were brought together because of my big, bold, beautiful love. And I was never what they wanted, I was never who they hoped for. This loud, opinionated, smart-ass was probably the farthest thing from what they expected. But they missed how fiercely I love, how strongly I protect, how deeply I feel. And I missed that they never wanted to open their door, that perhaps it was just the wind that blew it open…

When I shared my coming out story, I said my heart ached for those who had suffered even the slightest as a result of who they love or may love one day – as I was not hurt, persecuted, ashamed, scared, or hidden as I realized who I was. And I never expected that years later, as an adult woman, a co-parent of three, and truly the best version of myself to date – I’d find that hurt. And the thing about what you don’t expect is that it always hurts the most.

This is not just my pain, so I share it carefully. We’re not all open books. But I share because today, I’m not in a state of self-preservation. There’s more than just me. So much more. And that’s probably why the ache is so much stronger this time. I can take care of myself. I know who I am and what matters to me and I will live my life by my priorities. But those priorities are so much bigger than me. And the reason I opened and closed and reopened this exact door over and over again for the last three years is because of we. What we wanted, what we hoped for, what we truly believed could be. And I know our lives aren’t over, but maybe one of our dreams is.

We have worked so hard to get to our State of Grace. For a moment I thought that maybe it was an illusion or that we’d lost it just as quickly as we had found it. But then I realized that we are still in a state of grace. We have learned so much in the last year, I can hardly recognize who we were before. And we love fiercely, we strongly protect, we deeply feel. And we are still here. Together. Unbroken.

And even if they can’t see it, even if they don’t want to see it, even if they will never see it…it’s still there. The listening, the learning, the love. It’s always there and it will always be there. And love is not an open door, you can’t just come and go as you please. Love opens doors but strength and knowing can close those doors just the same. And we do have a choice, we all have a choice, even about the ones we didn’t choose. And most choices aren’t forever, but choosing yourself and your we first and foremost should be. And one person is never responsible for all the bad and all the wrong. And I know myself well enough to trust that I am part of the good and the right and I will stand up for what and who I believe in for every moment of my life. So you cannot pin the tail on this donkey; this scapegoat is escaping. We’ll be in our brick house of fortitude braving the elements – cool, calm, and collected.

“We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on, we’re going to survive…”

*you.me.us.we* <3

State of Grace

Thanksgiving is literally just around the corner and between the annoyance of Christmas decorations being in stores since October, planning where/when/who to eat (with), and trying to make as much work progress as possible before the holiday is in the hands of visiting family – I can still affirm that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

A holiday focused on ALL family, friends, and fun (and yes, even food), means that there is little to be UNgrateful about this time of year. It’s not about expensive gifts or all attention on one person. It’s collective and inclusive and honest.

Now I know that some people feel incredibly stressed, nervous to see particular family members, and overwhelmed with everything that has to happen in such a short period of time. And I’ve been a part of those kinds of Thanksgivings too. But in my tiny NonTraditional corner of the world, I’ve been doing Thanksgiving a little differently for over 10 years now – and that’s exactly how I like it.

And that right there, is exactly what I am most thankful for this year. Our NonTraditional traditions.

It hasn’t been easy since the start and you’ve heard me say before that the hard is messy and complicated and even ugly at times. And that is true of all the hard – my childhood hard, my early adulthood hard, and the hard that we welcomed with our love. But you know what they say – nothing easy in this world is worth having. I guess I take that to mean that if the end result is worth it, so is the hard work to get there.

My parents divorced when I was 12 and my mother remarried when I was 13ish and all my highly anticipated yearly traditions changed dramatically. I didn’t like it at first. I fought it. Got angry. Refused to participate. And was a straight-up brat. But I was in a state of change and I wanted to hold on to SOMETHING that seemed familiar. I hated that I couldn’t. But then…we started new traditions. Maybe better, maybe not – but definitely different. And I stopped fighting the change so hard. I started accepting that Thanksgiving is Thanksgiving even if you eat the meal on a Friday. That canned peas and corn don’t ruin the holiday. That last year’s giant family argument doesn’t have to be repeated this year. That celebrating with friends who are family can be better than celebrating with family who are barely friends. And I accepted that every year has to be approached individually. And this year is no different.

A year ago, we were smack in the middle of some serious hard. We couldn’t figure out why, but we couldn’t find our footing. We kept missing the mark even though on the outside it looked like we finally should have had it all figured it out. And maybe that was just it. Maybe the problem was that we trusted the outside and it looked completely fine, but we still had a whole host of shit to figure out inside. And luckily, we spent the last year starting to figure it out. And we find ourselves in a place that might look just like it did a year ago from the outside, but that feels like a whole new world inside. This year, we are in a State of Grace.

How can you tell? What does it look like?

It’s quieter. Less forced. More laughter. Fewer tears. Gentler words.

It’s the sound of acceptance, of knowing, trusting, and believing that we are doing it right, that we’re all going to be ok.

That my love and your love and their love is all just right and good because it’s love.

And because it’s all love no matter which way you slice it, our Little and Tinies are thriving. They are bright, beautiful babes who see the world through wide eyes. Their arms and hearts are open and they do not judge anything new, and different, and unknown. Because they come from new, and different, and unknown. They never question that love is the greatest force in this world, because they feel it everywhere they turn. And a conversation we had with our Little recently affirmed all of this so deeply.

We played “questions” before bedtime and she read, “what is one thing that makes your family unique?” Mom, Nelle, and Little all had to give answers. And as our Little described what made our family unique and special, our hearts grew bigger on the spot. It wasn’t that there are three moms and one dad, or that there are two houses and two separate-but-connected families, or that there are countless grandparents, or different last names… It was that we all have brown eyes (seems odd she thought) and that we have twins boys (somewhat rare she agreed). And while the world is 100% the perspective you have, we were in awe of our Little and how NonTraditional her thinking is at just age 7.

And if that isn’t a sign of our State of Grace, I don’t know what is.

So this year, we’ll celebrate our first Christmas the day before Thanksgiving, see our Tinies and Littles spend Thanksgiving day with the other half of our separate-but-connected family, have our first adult dinner on Thanksgiving (without kids) with Nana and Papa, enjoy our inaugural Thanksgiving meal in our home on Black Friday, and pick out our Christmas tree the very next day. It might not be what you know, it might not be what you do, but it’s filled with family and friends and fun and food and everything that makes the holiday season happy and bright. So from our family to yours, may you enjoy every minute of your NonTraditional traditions and soak up every last drop of thankfulness that you can.

Our People Are The Best People

If you’ve kept up with the jLog lately, you know that on September 19th, 2015 my love got down on one knee in the beautiful sunny sands of Truro, MA and asked me, using my full name, to marry her. But you might also know that on November 21st, 2012 I promised that when we were free and able, we would marry. So since we have a way of doing things a bit backwards, I said yes in 2012 knowing that the time would come when *the* question would finally be asked. And now, here we are.

Now, this post is a bit different – because in this post my beautiful love has asked to share her words in addition to mine, something that, for those that know her, is kind of a big fucking deal 🙂 So enjoy this rare treat and soak in every word…

From Jess –

So, I’m not big on social media outlets. I rarely post. I actually rarely read. But after my love has created and shared her blog, I have more exposure and interest in social media. That said, an experience this past weekend made me WANT to use social media. So much so, I’ve asked my love if I could have a “guest appearance” on her blog. So, thank you for indulging me….

Here goes.

I’m Jess. It’s a name. But it’s mine.

My parents gave it to me. They thought it was special. And I grew into it like all kids do. I made it exclusive. I made it MY name.

I love. I LOVE to love. But it’s an exclusive love. A love that can’t even possibly be for anyone else than her. She’s a thief; she steals my breath and my thoughts. She makes me into someone I never knew existed. She makes me inspired. And she unintentionally makes me write things like this. She enhances MY name.

She got me. She got me good. She….got me like I never knew was possible. And I was….a little bit more than my name. I WAS…the Little…and the Tinies….AND us. And it feels good. Like, really good.

And all of that is unexplainably amazing. But you know what else. My friends. Or as I call them, my family. The people in your life that just fucking love you. And they have learned your name. And have loved it. And KNOW it. That person. Those people. Those people that grew into THEIR name. Those people that you NEVER expect anything from. But get EVERYTHING from. And…sometimes you are reminded by what they can do. What incredible people they are.

This past Saturday, my fiancée and I walked into what we thought was a housewarming party. But THOSE people threw us an ENGAGEMENT party. What? Do people do that? OUR people do. Our people actually do. Our people are kind and loving and talented and special and fun and intelligent and thought-provoking and caring and meaningful. And….so much more.

I am humbled. I am grateful. And a thank you isn’t acceptable because it isn’t enough. YOU have no idea. NO clue how much you have touched MY name. But you do….because you’re our people. I love all of you.

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And now it’s my turn –

I don’t know where to start. And I don’t know where to stop.

I haven’t done it all right. I haven’t been the best, the kindest, the most patient, and rarely the most deserving. I’m not the calmest, not the most reasonable, and certainly not always rational. I’m too loud, too talkative, too excited, and full of too much energy. And I’ve never been able to sit quietly with the knowing.

But somehow I must have done just enough right.

Because today I find myself with the most amazing people in my corner. My family, my friends, and my truest love. All there right beside this crazy, mixed-up, loud-mouthed, constant talker with too much to share and not enough time to share it.

I need people. I thrive on connection. I thrive on the knowing – of my tiny corner in the world, of myself, and of each other. We all want to be known. And this past weekend I truly felt just so incredibly known.

In 2012 when we made the choice to turn our lives upside-down and build a life around our love, we turned everyone else’s lives upside-down too. And rightfully so, not everyone knew what to make of it. We lost some people along the way. And I don’t fault them, not everyone has to agree with our choices. But I can’t even begin to express what it feels like to be surrounded by the people who just keep showing up for us.

And this past Saturday night, November 14th, 2015, our people showed up in the most unexpected and amazing way I’ve yet to experience in this life.

Our people – who are in the middle of buying and selling houses, having and raising babies, changing careers, juggling finances, adopting furry children, and just so much more – stopped their amazingly full lives to throw us a surprise engagement party.

And this ain’t our first rodeo.

So you can imagine the shock, the legit disbelief, and the complete state of overwhelm (we were way past whelmed), when we learned that our people spent nearly two months planning and preparing to celebrate this milestone in our love story.

As our Little would say… WHAT THE WHAT!?

Who knew people DID that for each other? Who knew our people were the kind of selfless, loving, caring, understanding, accepting, people that stop their lives for us?

We did. And we do, even more now. Our people KNOW us. They knew us apart – as individuals – and they showed up. Now they know us differently – and together – and they just keep showing up in the biggest, boldest, most beautiful way.

I knew that my heart was full when she chose to love me. I knew she was my missing puzzle piece from the way she fit into me just perfectly. And now I know 100% that our people, who keep showing up, are every other puzzle piece that surrounds and supports us; creating the perfectly inspiring jigsaw of our lives.

Thank you for giving us another date to cherish ~11.14.15~

you. me. us. we & ours ❤️

Just Right

As of today, I have officially been engaged for one month. And now I am not only a fiancée and a future wife, but I have a fiancée and a future wife. For so many reasons, I honestly never thought either of these would be true for me.

I’ve said it before, but I was not that little girl who had big wedding dreams. In fact, I didn’t have any wedding dreams at all. I wanted love, but somehow (blame it on my surroundings as a child), I never equated marriage with the best way to express love. So even when I was dating my kind, stable boy for over 10 years, I really never thought about a wedding and marriage. I always said, what would it change? Wouldn’t we just spend a lot of money on a really big party and then go home to the same life we had the day before the insanely expensive party? And since I wasn’t going to be changing my name, marriage was truly just a reason to be able to visit each other in the hospital…a somewhat morbid reason for union. So, it really never enticed me. And as quickly as the possibility came in 2011, it left in 2012, and I really thought very little of it in all honesty.

But then she came along and knocked all of that on its sad, hopelessly rational, little head.

From only moments after we discovered our love, she talked of us getting married and dreamed, out loud, of our wedding. In the beginning, while it was all so new and fresh…and raw…I was surprised and overwhelmed (in the best way) that she wanted to go down that route…again. But with our choice – our big, bold, beautiful choice – we knew that anything we had done in our past would be nothing like it would be this time. And I say that just in the very simple way that everything, truly everything, has been different since May 26, 2012.

I remember, that very first year, before marriage was even possible, we’d sit down and think about our wedding. It was a new exercise for me, and I mostly just asked her questions and let her face and eyes get bright and full as she answered. Which only made my face and eyes get bright and full right back. And before I knew it, she had me envisioning our day right along with her.

And despite the very real nature of our love being all-encompassing and everything we both always wanted, we faced hurdles, jumped through flaming hoops, and swung from the highest rafters trying to make life fit around our love. And sometimes we did a terrible job at it. And other times we got pretty close to perfect. Until finally, we got it just right.

But please make no mistake that just right doesn’t mean everything is moonbeams and rainbows. It means that when we fall, we get back up. When we hurt, we heal. When we unhinge, we reconnect. But no matter what, it’s always we and that means it’s always worth it. And that’s the reason that it will always be we.

And it turns out, people don’t get married for the expensive big party or access to the hospital room. Or at least, that’s not why the lovers get married.

So when she set up a beautiful beach spot on a getaway weekend she’d planned, got down on one knee, and, using my full name, asked me to marry her with a ring she had bought 3 years prior – despite my eyes being flooded with the happiest of tears, I said yes in the very next heartbeat. And just as I knew it on May 26, 2012, I knew then that we are the lucky ones.

And since you all know that I firmly believe that *it’s ok to change your mind*, you won’t judge me or be surprised one bit when I tell you that this previously anti-wedding, no-need-for-marriage girl, has been completely and 100% reformed. I get it, friends. I understand why, for just one day, you want to hold onto the magic a little tighter and shout it from the rooftops a little louder; so that you can spend a lifetime tending to your beautiful garden of love, keeping it tightly between your hearts.

Today, I find an inappropriate amount of joy when I hear her say, or I am able to say, fiancée. And despite what I am sure will be an insurmountable number of planning frustrations, I look forward to every obstacle and hidden treasure. Because with her, I know, we are always going to be just right.

*you.me.us.we*

Enough With The Body Shaming

As someone who struggled with my weight well before I was ever a parent, it’s incredibly difficult to censor all of the nasty thoughts that creep up about my body when I’m around my kids. But it’s also incredibly important.

I grew up in a household with two overweight parents who were also pretty verbal about their weight struggles. I didn’t know much about healthy food growing up, or really even what it meant to be healthy. My parents weren’t active people and all of our meals had a pretty heavy dose of oil and/or butter. But it was also a different world then, and I do not blame my parents for their choices or for my own weight struggles. I only mention this to say that I did not know what it meant to eat healthy and be active from inside my own home.

After I reached my own personal tipping point and chose to make my wellness a priority, I became educated in fitness and nutrition. I feed on knowledge more than anything else so I started learning what it meant to eat well and be active. Of course, I also made my own personal choices in these areas that I do not expect everyone to agree with or follow, but the choices I made were, at the very least, informed.

So now I find myself a health professional striving for harmony among all avenues of wellness…and a parent of three young children. And unlike my parents, I am educated in the field of wellness and I do know the importance of a healthy physical and psychological development. And so now it is (partially) my job to be a role model and educator to our children and to lead by example. And I take this responsibility very seriously

I am not a “health nut” or a super-fit mom. We have fruits and vegetables in our house but also Goldfish and Oreos. We encourage our kids to be active, but we’re just as happy to dance around the kitchen or have tickle-fests to raise our heart rates. And if I try to distill down my main wellness message to our children right now, it would be the following –

You are more than your appearances. Your looks do not define you. Your body will change again and again and again. You are beautiful because you are smart, and kind, and unique. And we will make sure to tell you this every day.

Food is not good or bad. Some foods are healthier than others and therefore help your body more than others. This is why we strive to have more of the healthier foods more often, and less of the less-healthy foods, less often.

Treats are necessary and enjoyable. For all of us. And moderation is important, because we know that treats are not helping our bodies much, they are mostly just fun. Much like vacations vs. school. We know we need school to grow and develop our brains and become amazing, educated adults. But vacations are fun and necessary too; we all need a break now and again. But if we had only vacations, we wouldn’t appreciate them as much and, more importantly…we wouldn’t grow and develop into super-smart adults either. So it’s always, always about the balance.

You were not born knowing that you liked ice-cream. So keep trying new foods, you never know which next one might taste even better than ice-cream.

Any way you move your body is the best way to move your body. Dance parties after dinner? Soccer with classmates on the playground? Gymnastics after school? It doesn’t matter what you do; you are doing great things for your body. So find what you love and just do it.

We are not perfect. We are parents. We will force you to eat peas even if you don’t like them (and you may never like them). We will take away a dessert even though food should never be used a punishment. We will even eat pizza in front of you while we’ve insisted you finish your vegetables (and we have no vegetables on our own plates). We lead by example as often as we possibly can, but we are not perfect. But our imperfections are leading by example too, because we hope you know that we do not expect you to be perfect either.

We are all works in progress. We will tell you never to worry about your weight but you will over-hear us calling ourselves fat from time to time, despite our best efforts. We will teach you that exercise can be incredibly enjoyable, but some days we won’t get up to do our own. We will drink too much, eat more than we should, sit on the couch too long, and expect more of you than we do of ourselves. But we will continually promise to work on these bad habits and to be our best selves so that you can be yours.

So I say – as loudly as I can – to myself, to my partner, to my children, and to you – enough with the body shaming.

Yes, I hate the way those pants fit today, I really can’t believe I ate that entire sub, and no, it’s not ok that I haven’t worked out in a week. But remember that whole thing about your body being a temple? Nobody knocks down a temple when the first few bits crumble to the ground. The temple stands true and strong despite the wear and tear of life. And we do too. Our bodies are our temples and the better we take care of them, the longer they last. But they are present whether we take care for them or not. How we care for them only determines the length of our worship.

Whether you are struggling or not, do not knock your temple down. And teach your Tinies and Littles the same. Wellness On, Warriors.

Messy As Hell

I’m the canary in the mine and you need my sensitivity because I can smell toxins in the air that you can’t smell, see trouble you don’t see, and sense danger you don’t feel. My sensitivity could save us all. And so instead of letting me fall silent and die — why don’t we work together to clear some of this poison from the air? – Glennon Doyle Melton, Momastery

In my years of grad school, I realized pretty quickly (as I have mentioned), that I wasn’t my best. I had my hands in so many things, trying to find THE THING that was my thing. All the while I had my kind, stable boy at home – who I was neglecting pretty consistently. I found myself feeling guilty – for trying to do it all, doing none of it very well, and leaving no time for that boy.

So, I decided to ask for help.

Therapy and counseling has alway been something I believed in. My parents went to marriage counseling before they divorced. We went to family therapy after the divorce. I thought I wanted to become a clinical therapist myself at one point, diagnosing and treating severe mental disorders (hence the psych undergrad). I am a talker, and talking through my problems with an expert always seemed like a really good idea. What could they see that I was missing? What advice could they give that I was lacking? And so, one afternoon I went to my campus counseling center and asked to make an appointment. It was the first time, as an adult, that I had made this choice for myself. And I walked out feeling really…proud. It was about damn time.

I had a 30 minute consultation with a campus counselor and told her what I felt my main struggles were and where I wanted some guidance. She told me that I wasn’t a great fit for the free campus counseling center (no regular appointments, and only really for people who had more severe “problems”…whatever that meant). So I was recommended to meet with an in-network therapist who (and I will never forget this) specialized in “young, intelligent, and highly motivated women, who had problems in living.” Well thanks for the compliments, and she sounds perfect. Thankfully, she was.

I remember telling her very clearly in our first session why I thought I was there. It’s like she already knew me well enough to know that there was something more going on. She asked me that first day if it would be alright for us to talk about other things besides my current situation – like family, friends, childhood, etc. – anything that seemed relevant. I said sure, whatever helps – I have no problem talking to anyone about anything, truly.
So we began talking every week, about everything. I think 90% of our conversations were about something other than what I thought I was coming in for…but it was exactly right. I learned a lot about myself in those first few sessions – how others see me and how better to react to people when I disagree…something I am continually working on despite my nontraditional narcissism. She was a sounding board, a place for validation, and also a place of perspective. Our sessions always made me think, which led me to do, and ultimately to Be Better.

And now, our conversations are much less frequent, and more on a “need” base. Not because something happened, but because I’ll realize it’s been a while since I made my mental health and growth a priority. When I realized recently that it had been over 10 months since we last spoke, I knew I wasn’t doing myself justice. How can I be my best self if I stop having these conversions?

Because these are the conversations that lead to change.

The thing is, I too am a canary. I feel a lot, I notice everything, and I am also hyper sensitive to everything that everyone else feels and notices. I am at times too aware…and equally too aggressive. I want to save others from the toxins in the air, and I get downright angry when I see the toxins swirling around and no one running for safety. And as someone who has all the feels all the time, I know that this process – running for safety and self-preservation – isn’t always an easy one. It’s complicated and difficult and uncomfortable to make these changes in ourselves first and foremost. But we have to protect ourselves from the poisonous beliefs we have been taught, and treat each other better than what the past has shown us. We know more now, we have no excuses.

And we have to stop being so foolish as to believe that we can figure it all out on our own. I’m not a car expert, so I don’t try to fix my car; I take it to a mechanic. I am not a medical expert, so I don’t try to heal my own wounds; I see a doctor. And even though I may have some expertise in mental health and behavior, I know that this life, while big, bold, and beautiful…is messy as hell. And I need all the help I can get just flying out of the mine.

So please, don’t discount your mental health. As a health professional (and even expert, you might say), I know that wellness is comprised of so many facets. People often stop at fitness and nutrition when they consider wellness, but the truth is that your mental health is just as important, if not more so, than your physical health. If you are not working on being the best version of you inside and out, then your efforts are being wasted. You need to ask yourself the hard questions, check in with yourself to see if you’re really living your best life, and continually question whether you’re facing the hard, head-on. And when it gets to be too much, when you see the trouble and sense the danger, scream and shout until someone hears you – because someone will hear you. And being heard is one of life’s most necessary experiences. Let your bird song ring and never quiet that voice. Ask for help before you go silent, we want to hear your song.

If you haven’t found your person to talk to and you’re ready to sing, I want to hear your song.

Category: jLog