Dental Judgements

You know how every time you go to the dentist you brush your teeth really, really well, floss for the first time in months, gargle that Listerine an extra time, and make sure not to ingest anything but water post-brushing and pre-dental visit? Right, totally, no, me either…
 
But now let’s say you’re getting three kids ready to go to the dentist for their 6 month check-up. Your 7-year-old daughter regularly brushes twice a day, flosses once a day, and uses ACT at night. BAM, you win parents of the year for getting that habit going! Your twin 4-year-old sons think that brushing is still a hilarious game where the goal is to either smear toothpaste all over the counter or swallow an entire tube – ready set go! But at least they’ve seen a toothbrush and technically have one in the bathroom drawer. Parent points awarded there too (yes!). So when you realize that the VERY first day of summer vacation after an ABSURDLY long school year (thanks for the 7 snow days Mama N) is also the exact same day as the 6 month check-ups, you realize there’s only one thing to do…
 
Take them to Friendly’s for lunch and ice cream directly before the dentist. And just like that, negative parent points.
 

 
After shoving as much ice cream in their mouths as possible, taking family potty-break #2 (pre-meal and now post-meal), and piling in to Rosie (the family Highlander), Camp Nelle is en-route to the dentist. Naturally, we arrive 5 minutes late (I could blame it on the kids but I am pretty sure I am more on time with them than without them), but the wonder and glory that is our child dentistry accounted for that (as they do for EVERY appointment, because they learned a long time ago that it’s better to be pleasant than angry at every late family that walks through the doors). The kids bolt in three different directions to the playroom (yes, there is an amazing playroom in our dentistry, and it is a lifesaver). I take a deep breath and walk up to the counter to check us in, and start filling out the paperwork. As I’m about to practice my dont-judge-me spiel of “I’m a really good mom I swear, but it was their first day of summer vacation and I really wanted to do something special for them, so we went to the park and out to lunch and they JUST had ice cream and we didn’t go home first so they haven’t brushed since this morning, it was my poor choice not theirs…” I get slammed with some serious dental judgements. And not about teeth.
 
I am filling out the standard paperwork  – has your insurance changed (yes), any new allergies (no), are you a legal guardian (what? No, but…) – if not, please have the legal guardian call before we proceed with any care…
 
I should expect this, anticipate it, and even have another spiel in my back pocket for this, but I don’t. I can tell you what their favorite colors are, their favorite foods, what every scar on their body is from, their first words, favorite stuffed animals, what time they wake up in the morning, how they liked to be kissed goodnight… I am so totally their mom. But not legally. Legally, I am just Nelle. And even though I was HERE the first time with their biological mother and we TOLD YOU our situation, I feel the judgment from that piece of paper. So I have to say to the absurdly pleasant woman behind the counter… “So, I am not their legal guardian, but I am their mom, there are three of us and a dad and I tend to bring them to all their appointments because of our schedules, but legally – well legally, I am not their mother…”
 
I 100% believe that my maternal love is no different than every mother’s. Whether biological, adoptive, step, foster or other. I think most people who know me or have ever spent any time with me and our kids know this to be true. I am sure that there are people out in the world who do not feel the way that I feel. Who feel very differently towards their biological children versus their step-children. Or their adopted or foster children. I have never met these people, but it’s possible they exist. What I have experienced since I was a kid is that if you are lucky enough to receive parental love from any adult, you take it. Remember, it doesn’t matter how the love shows up, it just matters that it’s there. And I am the product of a lot of love that had no legal ties but that was always, always there. So I give just like I get, never any less.
 
But, today at this moment, I am not legally a parent. The laws would keep me out if it came down to it. No matter how much one of my children requested or cried for me, there are moments where the law would keep them from me. There’s nothing scarier than not being able to be there for a child that needs you.
 
So when I stood there alone, the kids off playing happily in the dentist playroom, knowing their mom was signing them in and they had only a few minutes to play before they had to sit in those chairs and get poked and prodded in the mouth… I felt a range of emotions. Most notably was the feeling that I really didn’t want THIS to affect THEM in any way that made them think WE weren’t NORMAL. Ugh, we are so much cooler than normal kids, so much cooler.
 
And before I could even finish my “I’m not a legal-guardian” speech, that same absurdly pleasant woman behind the counter looked at me and said – “It’s fine, don’t worry about it, just don’t bring it to the hygienist’s attention and I won’t either and really, we know that you are one of their parents and that’s what matters.” I mean… COME ON!? How AWESOME is that?! In less than 20 seconds I went from a quick stomach drop with the “ugh, please don’t let this be a thing” feeling, to a “sweet, thank you, you rock” feeling. I know that I should always be concerned when private information about our children is so easily acquired by a “non-legal-guardian” but in all honesty, the amount of times we have to encounter that exact situation makes me care WAY more about how our kids experience those moments than how easily the healthcare system can be persuaded to bypass the privacy laws. Sorry, the chance that someone will steal all our private information is slim to none, where the chance that our kids will feel upset or embarrassed because they can’t be seen by a doctor or dentist because “legally” I’m not their mom – is 100%. So yea, no brainer.
 
I know that this situation actually resulted in a sigh of relief and acceptance, but ooo that piece of paper judged my role in our kids lives in a way that many parents never have to feel. Let’s just say, it’s not my favorite. Fortunately, I can let the feeling of knowing that I received from the absurdly pleasant woman, hygienists, and dentist be my take-away and mentally crumple up those three stupid pieces of paper and slam-dunk them right into the trash. And you know what else? Everyone thought it was just awesome that the kids got to go out for lunch and ice cream to celebrate their first day of summer vacation. After-all, the staff made it clear that they’d be brushing the kids’ teeth “extra good” anyway, so why would I even worry about it? BOOM. Parent points back in the positive baby.