As my birthday week comes to an end, I wanted to take a minute to share my thoughts as I turn another year older…
*July 13th, 2015*
Today I sit here on the beach, solo, on my birthday – feeling less alone than I ever have in my whole life. It’s amazing how that can happen. I wanted connection, love, and community for as long as I can remember. I can still picture sitting on a jetty on Cape Cod staring out at the ocean as an adolescent wishing, singing, writing – yearning. For a place to belong and a person to belong with. And through my writing, it feels like I finally have all of that and more.
I have been writing my whole life. Journals, stories, essays, scientific articles, etc. I am a writer. For the first time, I find myself actually identifying with that label (perhaps more than any other labels that could be put on me). But I am not just a writer. I’m a connector. I write what I feel but also what I want to feel with others, to make them feel. I can only use what I have and who I am, but that has always seemed to be enough to find my people. My words have always been my entry and the only people that matter to me are those that understand the weight of our words.
I find writing incredibly therapeutic, sometimes as much as speaking with an actual therapist. I think in part I have always written for myself, but always as if I had an audience. Most of my honest writing never saw anyone’s eyes. Until recently. I want to be known, understood, and connected. And the only way to do that is to share my true self completely. So I do.
I’ve never been big on, or understood shame. There isn’t much in this life that at least someone can’t forgive you for. And I believe YOUR people will always forgive you. Mine have. I know that I personally am very forgiving as well, as I know life is all about trying everything even if it leads to mistakes and failures. It’s the risks that give the biggest return. So calculate them, and enjoy what follows. That’s what I’ve been trying to do for the last 10 years anyway. Don’t ask me about how much of a “risk” taker I was before that…
I think my favorite part of writing today is that I’m realizing how lucky I am to discover that my people are everywhere. People who are open and honest and raw with their emotions and experiences. Even more so it is the amazement that people are willing to share and open up – and listen. We learn so much about ourselves from listening to other people.
I love knowing that my voice matters to someone and that I get to be the recipient of someone’s share. That’s honestly why we all do it, right? We talk about ourselves to find the parts that relate to someone else. Because feeling known, belonging to people that get you, it makes every year that passes that much sweeter. And as I sit here on the beach alone, I can’t help but think that nothing in my past is going to be able to top what 31 is about to bring on. And sharing it with you, my people, will make it all the more memorable.
Thank you for knowing and growing with me.
